A Secret Affair

Secrets control your life! Whether you are having an affair or an addiction to pornography or prescription drugs; whether you are eating in secret – you are controlled and imprisoned by the secret you keep.

It’s all you can think of. You enjoy doing it, but are scared that anyone might find out. You always rush of to meet the “someone” or spend hours on your phone. Maybe you can’t wait to get to the kitchen while everyone is asleep. Your family suffers because of your lack of time and attention at home. You will be embarrassed and humiliated if anyone knew. It could destroy your reputation, your life and your family, if anyone discovered your secret. You are actually living in a SECRET PRISON!

If you think that “THIS IS MY LIFE, and I’ll do what I want to do”, I have news for you. You are CONTROLLED BY YOUR SECRET!

  • You can’t keep your marriage vows to your spouse and your love for them is fading.
  • You are missing out on everything that is beautiful about marriage.
  • You miss out on so much sleep.
  • You’ll never be able to lose weight.

This post however is about one secret in particular, so let me ask you straight to your face:

  • Did you get married with the idea to cheat on your spouse?
  • Was it out of your control and “just happened”?
  • Are you “the other woman” or “the other man” who is breaking up a family?
  • Are you having an affair?

Wow! These questions are really in your face, aren’t they? People who go into affairs never share their “dirty little secret” with the world. Definitely not with their spouses! An affair is always secret. Always in the dark. If you are in this situation (and are brave enough to keep on reading), I have a few questions for you:

  1. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO END IT? Freedom is not doing what you want to do. TRUE FREEDOM IS NOT HAVING TO HIDE ANYTHING. You are most free when you have nothing to hide – when you are not a slave to any secret! So when are you going to choose honesty and integrity?

  2. DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF? If you are having a secret affair, I honestly cannot believe that you love yourself or your life. You may think you do, but the pain that the secret will cause, will affect you too! The promises of your secret are all a lie! You might lose your spouse. You might lose the respect and love of your children! You might lose your job and your reputation. The list is endless of everything you stand to lose because of your secret. If you truly love yourself, why gamble with your own future?

  3. DO YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY? Can you in all honesty say that your spouse and children are your everything, that you love them? That you put their needs and desires above your own? If you are in an affair, no one else’s needs or desires, are more important than your own – not even the one you are having an affair with. They will be hurt too. If you love yourself and your family, you will not even allow so called “harmless” flirtations in your life, because that’s how people end up saying “it just happened”…


  1. YOU STOP IT TODAY! If you are serious about making your marriage work, about having your kids’ respect until you die, stop your secret affair today! You are busy destroying everything you hoped and worked for. You and your family deserves a second chance. Ask forgiveness and start over! (You might need professional help in building your relationship with your spouse again. Seek help, or contact me)

  2. SET PROCESSES IN PLACE TO PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE. The worldwide divorce statistics are proof of how many people believe “we should just trust one another” but they don’t believe in accountability in marriage at all! Accountability in marriage is key to the success of your relationship. Your life must be completely open to your spouse. Questions like “where were you?” or “who are you chatting with?” should never upset you – but it will if you are hiding something… Don’t get upset when your spouse asks you these questions. In fact, refuse to get upset when they ask you accountability questions. Be open and honest and don’t feel accused of something when they ask a question. Everywhere in life we need accountability. Why not in marriage – the most important relationship you will have with another human being? Give trust and be accountable. 


    Marriage is not just two people living together. Marriage is the closest human relationship you can have. It’s being in a relationship that should last “till death do us part”. To actually stay true to your vows, will cost you to be totally honest and transparent with your spouse. It will cost you to be vulnerable. It will cost you your “privacy”, because you are now ONE with someone else.

    My husband knows the password to my phone and he has access to my diary. In fact, we know each others passwords for all our social media networks as well. Why do we do this? Because we trust one another, we don’t hide anything and we are truly ONE! We don’t take offense to being accountable. Why not? Because we want to grow old together. I cannot understand how people can live without accountability in their marriages. Accountability is proof that you are trust worthy!

    This is a very important matter to me. We expect leaders of countries and companies to be accountable when they are selected in to leadership roles, but we don’t expect or give any accountability to the one person who truly needs to trust us. It’s senseless. And every person who has lost a spouse to unfaithfulness will see the truth in this.

    It doesn’t mean we police each other’s every move. It means we are transparent, accountable and trustworthy. There’s not fear in such a relationship. No doubt. My husband never worries about where I am or who I am with. He knows.

    I wish couples could learn about accountability in marriage before they say “I do”.

In conclusion, don’t believe the empty promises made by your secret affair or your secret habit. The excitement is short lived. The grass on the other side will require attention, time and money too, all the while it will destroy who and what you actually love. If you invested your time and money on your side of the fence from the beginning, you might not have had to look around at all. It’s not to late to start today.

Don’t be someone else’s secret love. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.


(To invite Debbie to speak at your event or for life-coaching, contact her today.)




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